Reality Check!
Emotions vs. Reason: Why Trusting Your Gut Might Be a Bad Idea, Especially at Work
Your feelings matter, however, …
To be clear, your feelings do matter — a lot. In part, they matter because your feelings could lead you astray. Have you ever felt so strongly about someone or something you could feel it in your gut? Your feelings are so specific, clear, and strong you just couldn’t be wrong, right? In fact, you were so confident in your emotional interpretation of the situation that you reacted, letting your emotions guide your behavior. Have you ever regretted your response? Have you ever come to realize, upon learning more sides of the story, that your initial interpretation of the situation was wrong? When this happens, it can be embarrassing, to say the least! Is it possible that your gut feelings mislead you? Yes. But good news, there is a way to test your feelings before regretful actions ensue.
In a previous article, I wrote about the benefits of hitting your emotional pause button. This article will dive deeper into one of my favorite exercises while paused. I call this exercise “Reality Check” because it helps us rationalize the possible gap between our emotions and reality. The Reality Check exercise will help you activate your human superpower, the frontal lobe in the brain.
First, own your emotions: The Power of Naming
Humans will often name that which we own. For example, if you acquire a little puppy from a dog shelter, do you let the shelter employee name your dog? No, because that dog is YOURS. If you buy a boat, do you let the salesperson choose a kitschy name for the stern of the boat? No, because YOU own that boat. The same could be said for your summer home, cars, children, or your new business. When we name something or someone, we feel for it an innate sense of ownership, control, or even dominance. Well, the same is true of your emotions.
By assigning a specific, descriptive name to your emotions, you will give yourself time to process the situation. Also, this process allows you to feel ownership and control over these emotions, awarding you a fresh perspective. Your initial gut feelings will usually shift slightly, if not entirely. General descriptors of emotions such as happy, sad, or anxious are often just scratching the surface, but still an effective place to begin. At first, you may think, “I feel angry.” Fair. But can you be a little more specific? Would enraged be more accurate, or are you just feeling irritated? By assigning the most precise words to encapsulate your emotions, you accomplish the following:
1) Time — The simple exercise of trying to come up with a very specific word for what you are feeling allows the frontal lobe, the brain’s reality filter, to begin its magic. In short, this is thinking before you act, which is an excellent process for managing relationships, among other benefits.
2) Ownership — Now that you have named your emotions with a specific word(s), you can immediately feel a sense of ownership over those emotions. Congrats! You are now the proud owner of your emotions. As the owner of your emotions, you will feel more empowered to control said emotions. Think of it like this: Your initial gut feelings own you, but when you actively and intentionally assign a name to that emotion, YOU become the new owner, putting you in charge.
3) Perspective — Whether this naming process took you thirty seconds or thirty minutes, you have given your frontal lobe time to process enough for you to step back from the situation and see the proverbial forest for the trees. This new perspective will help guide you to more productive, positive behaviors.
The “Reality Check” Exercise!
Step 1: Name your emotions
To activate your emotional vocabulary, I have included the following chart. Similar charts are commonly used in emotional intelligence and psychology studies. Note: This is not a definitive list, so if you have other words that better suit your needs, please, feel free to make it your own.
Step 2: Explain why you feel each emotion
After you have listed your named emotion(s), explain ALL the reasons why you believe you are feeling each emotion. Sometimes these reasons point blame to others, and sometimes we blame ourselves. For this part of the process, all possibilities get put on the table. This process will provide you with the much-needed perspective for the final step in this process, so dig deep! This part is not always easy, but it is very much worth your time. Note: At first, try writing or typing this process out in the format below. As you get more skilled in this process, it becomes easier to do in your head. That said, I find that whenever I type it out, I end up with greater clarity.
Step 3: Play emotional detective
Remember a time where you read a book that you really enjoyed. The author gives each reader the same descriptions of the setting and characters. So, when you see the movie version of the book, why does everything look so different than what you imagined? Because everyone sees the world through a slightly different lens, in large part, due to our personal life experience. This reality also helps to explain why three people can walk away from a meeting, for example, with three vastly different interpretations of what just happened.
Our gut feelings, which can lead us down a path of personal or relationship ruin, are often a result of the pictures we paint in our minds. Usually painted with a fair degree of assumption, these pictures are merely your initial perception, but consider it to be only yours. All the facts, which include the perception of others involved, have not yet been fully acquired. Chances are, the other folks involved have their own version of the same picture.
By this point, you have played emotional detective with yourself (Steps 1 & 2). In this step, you are playing emotional detective with the others involved. Using the same chart in Step 2, ask yourself how they may be feeling and why. Part of this process is evaluating your own words and actions as they may have had an unintended impact. You may not always get it right, but the effort alone will help you proceed with more care and positively impact the relationship. Remind yourself frequently that your conclusions might be utterly wrong after examining others, but this step allows you to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Try to imagine how they might paint their picture of the situations, and you will be able to have more meaningful and productive conflict resolution conversations. In short, this step is an exercise in empathy, a key ingredient to compassion, harmonious diversity, successful inclusion, a desire for equity, and essential relationship building. Yes, empathy can be learned and practiced.
In closing
This process has helped me calm down while providing me more clarity countless times. Several years ago, I got so frustrated with my brother while on the phone him, I almost raised my voice and hurled insults at him. Instead, knowing that I was about to explode, I quickly ended the call. Close call! Although my heart was racing, I gave the Reality Check exercise a try. I named my emotions and immediately blamed my brother for the reasons I was feeling so incensed. However, as I tried to articulate what he had done to upset me, I could not produce anything specific. I then tried to consider other possibilities for my rage. What did I discover, or shall I say, uncover? I found a treasure chest full of answers! First, I was running late while stuck in Chicago traffic. Second, I was hot and sweaty because my AC was on the fritz. Third, I was hopped up on an unreasonable amount of caffeine. Next, I was on my way to a date, which made me a bit anxious. Finally, I had an uncomfortably full bladder. WOW! I had just played emotional detective with myself, and the result was incredible. I was immediately able to calm down. I then called my brother back to apologize. All’s well that ends well, right?
Give this method a try; what do you have to lose? Too often, we react to situations based on our emotions without thoroughly vetting said emotions. Sometimes, unfortunately, our gut feelings are not grounded in whole reality. Just because it feels accurate and true to you does not mean it is a complete fact. Accepting this truth will allow you to see the perspective of others, bringing you closer to a new point of view and, therefore, more productive next steps. In other words, be willing to be wrong throughout this journey, even if, in the end, you end up proving your gut right.
David Marcotte, Head Coach of Marcotte Coaching, is a communication skills development specialist for corporate professionals. For nearly 20 years, through various topics such as presentation skills, storytelling, emotional intelligence, leadership, and team building, David has developed online and in-person learning to help professionals of all levels bridge the gap between themselves and others.
To book live, online soft skills classes with David Marcotte — visit the Complete Professional page of the Marcotte Coaching website. To read David’s other blogs and learn more ways Marcotte Coaching can help your organization thrive, visit us at www.marcottecoaching.com.
